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| It's been a long time since I have sat down to really think and write out some of my thoughts.
Seems like a good time to do it now at the 1 year mark since esther went to be with the Lord.
Hope vs. Miracles
Theres one thing I came to realize awhile ago that I had been meaning to write down so I wouldnt forget, but never got around to it. Luckily, I still remember.
Esther and I had often prayed to God for healing. And thought.."why wouldnt God do it cuz it would be such a great demonstration of His power and a great testimony of His love if He were to heal esther by destroying or stopping the growth of her brain tumor." I mean..she was a believer and follower of Jesus, a woman of strong faith, who had just returned from seminary, willing to dedicate her life to care for God's people through counseling. What better way for God to build on her life of faith than to reveal Himself more to the world by healing her! Right???
So why was He not doing it?? Why did the tumor come back?? Why did she continue to suffer??
These were tough questions to struggle with. The only thing we could cling to was that God's ways are above our ways and beyond our understanding. So instead of dwelling on the blessings we thought we were being deprived of, we just tried to rejoice in the blessings we did have, including (but not limited to) having the ultimate blessing of eternity in the presence of God thru Jesus Christ! and having each other to run this roller coaster race with. I don't remember the exact moment, but there was a time when i could see in Esther's life that she had learned to be content with that. There was a rekindled hope in her every step (not that she had at any time lost hope, but there was something clearer and surer about her hope). There was still uncertainty and unanswered questions, but despite those, we learned to put our trust and hope in God's sovereignty, love and goodness.
But it wasn't until a few months after she had passed away that I realized something else. Sure God's miraculous powers of healing can demonstrate His power, but many examples in biblical history show that people were often in awe of God's miraculous signs and wonders, but the awe of physical demonstrations quickly wears off (see parting of red sea, entering the promise land, the book of judges, etc). And these days, even miraculous signs are often explained away by scientific arguments.
But maybe what the world needs more than physical acts of wonder and healing to see God (afterall healing is only temporary anyways..no avoids death forever) is to see a life of hope. We, especially in the US, are often so self-sufficient that we put our hope in our own abilities and in our life of comfort, but at some point in everyone's life we realize those things are not sufficient. At some point in everyone's life there is a period of despair, and it's people in those times of despair and losses of hope that need healing..healing of the soul..to see or remember an example of a life of undeniable joy and hope in the most desperate of times. And to realize that hope comes only from knowing Jesus the Christ whose sacrifice restored our relationship with our Father in heaven.
That type of healing lasts forever!
I still don't know why God chose to take esther when He did, but i know this:
Esther lived a life characterized by hope in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. She was able to live and face uncertainty, suffering and even death with joy and hope and contentment. And so her life and death point to the glory of God! I hope I can say the same after my time here on earth passes.
Moving Forward
But for awhile after esther was gone..i would often think.."id rather be in heaven with esther than here", "im ready to go", "what is there left for me to do here". Not at all suicidal or anything, but unafraid of death...and maybe even unpassionate about life. I knew what i SHOULD be doing..I went on with my daily life and responsiblities at work, church and home (well maybe not so much at home =p), but my heart was only in it in part.
I think only recently did I really feel like God has restored in me a heart for His kingdom, His people and His lost sheep...and a true joy and passion for seeking and doing what He put me here for. "Here" being where, when and having been thru whatever struggles how I am now. Maybe i'm still not the perfect product (obviously)..but getting there.
I still don't really know how to put this year long struggle into words..but thats why i like musicians...sometimes when i cant express myself..i can turn to a good song that spells out what im feeling to me.
If youre still with me..let me share 3 songs that characterize some of this struggle.
In the beginning I was continuing to trust God thru all the confusion of life being turned upside-down and inside-out.
Praise God that He never never let me lose that trust..but this song...cant say it any better.
Trusting God
by Dietrick Haddon
What do you do
When you just don’t understand
And what do you do
When you just cannot explain
And what do you say
When you just don’t have the answers
Through it all, keep on trusting God
What do you do
When words can’t ease the pain
And what do you do when you wake up
And the situations still the same
Seems like it just won’t get any better
Through it all, keep on trusting God
Chorus:
Yet will, yet will,
Yet will I trust Him
Yet will, yet will,
Yet will I trust…
Verse 2
What do you do
When life questions your faith
And all the dreams you had
Seems like they’re drifting away
It takes all of your strength
Just to make it through the day
But through it all, keep on trusting God
What do you do
When you cried all you can cry
When you have to wear a smile
When you hurt deep inside
And what do you do
When there’s no one you can call
Through it all, keep on trusting God
Then I realized, even though I did trust in God, and accepted what was going on as in-line with His will, I was struggling with a lot of the same things I did back when I first accepted Christ, but was still living my life just for me. Basically thinking.."what do i do with my life now?" and "man this has been tough..i need some me-time."
So this song challenged me then, and challenges me again now.
Will You Worship
by Brian Doerksen
Deep in my soul is a tug of war
I'm struggling to know what this life is for
I try so hard to stay in control
To hold back the tears, to not let go
I don't know why I hang on so long
When I know the question you are asking me
Will you worship, will you bow down
Before your Lord and King?
Will you love me, will you give me
Your heart, your everything?
Right here and now, I make my choice
With all my love I will answer you
I will worship, I will bow down
Before my Lord and King
I will love you, I will give you
My heart, my everything
Another oldie, but a goodie that just about sums it up:
Thank you Lord for being patient with me.
Can't see when my eyes are on me.
Thanks for your Son you sent to save us from our despair.
It comforts me to know You're really there.
I want to share the hope you gave to me..the love that set me free.
Make My Life a Prayer
by Matt Redman (originally by Keith Green)
Make my life a prayer to you
I wanna do what you want me to
No empty words and no white lies
No token prayers no compromise
I wanna shine the light you gave
Thru your son you sent to save us
From ourselves and our despair
It comforts me to know youre really there
Chorus
Well I wanna thank you know
For being patient with me
Oh its so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what you say
Oh youre coming again
Coming to take me away
I wanna die and let you give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope you gave me
The love that set me free
I wanna tell the world out there
Youre not some fable or fairy tale
That Ive made up inside my head
Youre God the son and youve risen from the dead
Chorus
I wanna die and let you give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope you gave me
The love that set me free
Lingo, it's been a year since you went away. It hasn't been easy without you, but I'm making my way.
Hope I can run thru to the finish line like you did. had to jog for a bit to catch my breath..but I'm not stopping, baby! See you when I get there!
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| another minor milestone today...
i cooked my first full meal in "esther's kitchen" tonight. it's probably been the toughest room for me to spend time in since esther's passing. she loved to cook and find new recipes..the kitchen was her refuge. maybe ive eaten one meal at the kitchen table in the last 7 months..cooked some dumplings or pre-made foods..reheated food. but havent dug through the fridge and cabinets looking for ingredients. may seem like a simple task, but it wasnt easy to get thru. most of the stuff in the freezer and cabinets is still stuff she bought..and i could tell u what she would cook with everything in there.
didnt help that i havent grocery shopped in months (i think 1 trip each to shoprite and costco)..not much to work with..haha. next step will be to cook the simple recipes esther was trying to teach me her last few months to prepare me for life on my own. she made me cook with her by my side telling me what to do..then she would randomly quiz me on the recipes. she even wrote some of them down for me when she was getting treatments at NIH. she was always concerned id still eat healthily.
dont worry about me baby! im doin ok!
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| Happy 3rd Anniversary Lingo! November 26, 2008! We had 3 good years (7 years since getting together!)..we had a good ride baby! Love you! And miss you! It's been a while since i wrote anything..figured id jot something down to commemorate this milestone day.
cant think of anything good to write tho. =P Just saw some random video with esther from last year around thanksgiving..lookin good as usual.
it was unexpected, but was definitely good to see her smiling face. couldnt tell what we were saying
but we were joking around in the video. | | |
| poison oak sucks! but it did give me a chance to spend probably my first whole day at home since esther left for home.
though i was still working while at home, even when just doing work in my "home office" it just gave me a chance every now and then to recall both bitter and sweet memories of out time together over the years as my eyes would catch something in the room that triggered a memory. and being at home i could quickly go look at a picture when one of these memories had come and enhance my recollection with a visual image. when im keeping busy and settle down at night i feel so far from her. but when i get a chance and have some relaxing downtime (which i have had more of in the past week, especially today), i feel closer..which of course makes me feel sadder because i miss her and i think of all the coulda/shoulda's. but it also allows me to think about all the good times and just feels more "right" because i am ALMOST able to spend time with her. i guess in some ways i am spending time with her, but in other ways (as i think i shared in an earlier blog) i feel like she is just out of reach. the itching from poison oak also constantly reminds me of the times over the last couple years that esther was suffering from different skin reactions from the various treatments and medication she was on. she broke out several times with full body rashes. and in her last month here, tho no visible rash she was always scratching and asking us to scratch for her the places she couldnt reach with her right hand. so i always kept one of those back scratcher things by her bed that we randomly bought while at lake george a few years ago..so she could scratch her legs. that back scratcher and her camelbak (spillproof backpack for hikers and bikers that holds water you drink thru a tube that we always kept filled by her pillow) were 2 of her best friends in the last 2 months..they gave her some independence when she wasnt very mobile.
the constant itching for her was often more unbearable than the various pains and nausea she had to deal with. she could never keep from scratching. i used to always catch her scratching and yell at her =P. i think im a little better than her with that..but it is hard resist the temptation sometimes. so tho poison oak sucks..it is a blessing in disguise. it forced me to slow things down and it brings back some memories that keeps esther close to my heart. i also sold the power wheelchair yesterday that we bought to help her get around when she started having trouble walking..and returned the stairlift a week ago. it still always makes me sad when i think about how little use she got out of the wheelchair and stairlift because her symptoms progressed so fast in the last months. but they were still well worth the investment just so she could go out a few more times to the shore and could feel some independence getting around the house a bit, and so she could have a few extra trips up and down the stairs. i found esther's NIH badge in my car last week. when i first pulled it out of the glove box i saw her picture, which was taken right before her symptoms started getting bad (bad memory, unclear thinking, numbness on leftside). my first thought was how i missed seeing her smile. but then what struck me was the badge says in big letters: "EXTENDED VISITOR". just another reminder to me that esther has gone to her permanent home. we are all just extended visitors..she did her thing and the Lord called her home..and the rest of us just need to keep doing our thing here until the Lord calls us home too. | | |
| i realized lately that ive been talking to esther maybe more than talking to God.
like in the middle of praying i'll find myself talking to esther instead..i dont even know if
she can hear anything.
i find that im sometimes more concerned about disappointing her than disappointing God
even tho i dont even know if shes watching me.
i was listening to these 2 songs
homesick by mercyme
smile by chris rice
the first talking about longing to see a loved one who has gone to be with the Lord
the second talking about longing to be with God while living out the ups and downs of this world. (what this sundays message from elder luan was about)
altho i can identify with both..some times i think right now i long to be in heaven more to see esther than to be with God. (but maybe they are one in the same..if being with God is being in the absence of suffering..no more tears and no more sadness maybe that includes being reunited with your loved ones)
maybe these are all healthy feelings during the grieving process..or maybe not so much..i dunno.
but i suppose its a natural emotional response..and doesnt repudiate or lessen my faith in the Lord..the faith
i know esther had and wants me to continue to grow. but for now..it is what it is.
after i started writing some of this, i talked to a friend who shared this verse with me:
Hebrews 12:1
"1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
perhaps esther is now one of the "great cloud of witnesses" and is watching.
since im rarely home..the people i interact with are for the most part just the people i see when im out.
when i get home its too late for phone calls and theres too many chores to do for me to do much email, chat or blog.
for those i have talked to..ive probably told you that since starting work i feel like i dont have enough time anymore to do everything i was doing and still have some down time at home to reflect and remember esther. and thats something i really want to be able to do. this weekend i made an effort to save some time for that..but now i realize thats like opening up pandora's box. but both in a good and bad way. probably not something i think i could handle day in and day out. way too much to process.
i guess thats why subconsciously i have not been able to say no to any type of activity that presents itself these past few weeks. that and the fact that i dont know how to do the single-life anymore.
reasons for filtering what and why to participate in certain activities and relationships is all different when your married or single.
and i guess i threw out my singlehood filter when i got married cuz i havent been filtering much. or actually i was still trying to use it at first after gettin married, but esther threw it out for me when i wasnt looking (like all the other unused junk i kept around the house pre-marraige =P). | | |
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